I’ve been thinking a lot about the person I’ve become and how different I am from the person that I used to be.
But do I even remember who I used to be? Do you?
Before decisions and heartbreak and change molded you into who you are now. How close are you to the person you dreamt you’d be? Because so far, the path I’m on is nothing like the path my 18 year old self thought I’d be on.
What if I had stayed at Baylor University instead of transferring out? What if I had transferred to the Northeast coast because the boy I loved wanted me to? What if I had pursued medicine instead of psychology?
All of these places. All of these changes. All of these people. They’ve shaped me, whether I wanted them to or not. Every late night drive through my hometown, every moment that made me feel alive, and every song that I blared through my sunroof: they are all a part of me. I am a mixture of these memories, words, and feelings.
Sometimes I wonder that if I had done one thing differently, would I be the person I am now?
That is something that I’ll never know.
But I like to believe that everything happens for a reason. That no matter the decisions, we are right where we are supposed to be. In a way, it’s almost freeing: mistakes aren’t always wrong, losses can be blessings.
And since we are still on the topic, yes, I do remember the person I used to be. I was the fifth grade girl whose honor roll report card was torn up in my face. I was the eighth grade girl whose journal was stolen, laughed at, and read to everyone in the bathroom while I sat unsuspecting in class. I was the girl who didn’t know how to speak up so I wrote it all down.
Then I learned. learned that there was nothing anyone could say to change who I was. I learned not to care what others thought.
Then my heart was broken. And broken again. Then I thought I broke someone else’s heart only to find out that it was just my own. I was looking for love to make me whole. That is not love at all. Self-love is the most important love of all. You can’t sacrifice parts of yourself to keep someone whole and call it love.
So, I learned again. I learned that love is not jealous or unkind. Love should never tell me I’m not good enough.
This all leads me to the here and now. I have bruised and scraped hands and knees, but I’m still running. I’m still failing. I’m still learning. My plan for my life will continue to change.
But the best is yet to come.