i know it’s been awhile…

I’ve been meaning to write for months now, but things kept getting in the way.

First it was my job. Then it was moving. Now it’s school. But I will always be busy, so these excuses don’t really hold much value anymore.

Plus, I  r e a l l y  miss writing.

There have been a couple of things on my mind that I’ve been trying to put out on paper. My thing is that once it’s out there, it’s no longer causing pain in me. But I haven’t been able to find the right words. I’ve been struggling to tell my story in a way that people can relate to. And this pressure to do these experiences justice, hindered me from simply speaking my truth.

So, I’m back (and, hopefully, so much better).

It’s no secret that I write when I am feeling things too deeply. I wrote about my mom’s cancer diagnosis (more than once). I’ve written about my fears, struggles, and birthday wisdoms. I write to clear my head. I write to tell a story that holds meaning to me.

But there is one thing that I have not been able to write about.

In fact, I don’t even want to sit in the same room as it. This it, this straight up pain, has been weighing on my heart lately. It changed my outlook on life. It scared me half to death. And I think that I’m barely getting a handle on it.

In hindsight, I know this is the real reason I haven’t written. I knew that the next thing I wrote about would be this. And am I even ready to talk about it? Do I really want these feelings out there?

There were so many questions and reasons on why not. But I’d like to think that someone somewhere is reading this and can relate. Someone will see this and will feel a little less alone. So here it goes:

My dad had a heart attack.

My dad, the avid marathon runner, the salad for lunch and salmon for dinner, the actual living version of superman. The healthiest person I know. The man who is always doing, helping, healing.

My. Dad.

I mean, it was bad enough to watch my mom go through her illness. But never in a million years would I have thought my dad would have to go through something like this.

Let me just say it’s been a rough two summers for my family.

I debated on whether or not to get into the specifics about what happened, and decided against it. But I will say this: It was a miracle that my dad was in Houston when it happened (Houston has one of the top cardiac centers in the whole country). It was a miracle that my mom insisted on checking things out when my dad swore things were fine. It was a miracle my dad has a strong heart in the first place.

So, I’ve had people tell me that it could have been so much worse. And yes, they are right. My dad could have had significantly worse side effects. Things could’ve ended very differently and I am so thankful they didn’t. But that’s not the part that bothers me.

It’s that in the span of a year, both of my parents had life threatening experiences happen to them.

And it scares me. I don’t want my parents to grow older, let alone suffer along the way. My parents are kind and good. They deserve the world. It’s hard to feel so…powerless in these situations. And I am coming to the realization that this is real. They are getting older, despite my refusal to accept it.

In times like this, I always look for a silver lining. A moment to remind myself that it will be okay. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but I really struggled with finding something good in this. It felt like we had just gotten back on our feet after everything with my mom and then b o o m

But with some time behind me, I’ve settled on: bad things are going to happen. A lot of it will be unwarranted and unexpected. But these times can bring out the good in others. For both of my parents, people have showered my family with love. I think the world tries to tell us that everyone is cold. That people don’t care and people are inherently selfish. But the world is full of so much good. It is full of people who are also hurting but choose to help. At times it felt like the universe was conspiring against us, but now I only see the love that grew out of the pain.

I’ll leave you with one last thought: There are always silver linings.

Even if they take a little time to see.
Even if it feels like the universe is against you.
Even if it takes every person who loves you to find it.
Even on the darkest days.

There is always good.

2 thoughts on “i know it’s been awhile…

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