Well… here we are.
I’m (slowly) making it through my last week of classes. Ever.
And for the longest time, this is what I was looking forward to. I had a countdown on my phone til graduation and everyday I woke up thinking: One. Step. Closer. Adjusting to New England was a lot more difficult than I anticipated. This last year has been such a challenge. I felt drained and ready to start a new chapter. To be honest, towards the end of my time here I was beginning to resent it.
But here we are at the end. And it doesn’t feel right.
In fact, I feel pretty sad about it all. I didn’t think I’d ever say this, but I’m not ready. The moving. The new beginnings. The change. The goodbyes.
Goodbyes. I’ve never been good at them. My supervision group (or the class that my fellow therapist classmates have to be supported while we navigate our internships) actually talked about termination this last week. Like any relationship, therapists must end things with clients, too. Some endings are sweet. Some are tearful. Endings are a part of everything. And yes, I know they ~lead to new beginnings~, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
And these goodbyes, the ones I will have to say soon. And the ones I didn’t get to say, are abrupt. They hurt. There isn’t closure. Internships were cancelled so quickly without a real plan, that I thought I’d be back. I didn’t think to say my goodbyes. It all feels unfinished.
Maybe the one thing that’s worse than saying goodbye is not getting to say it at all.
I thought I would have more time. More time with my friends. More time with the city I called home for the last two years. More time to enjoy my last year of school. I’ll close this chapter of my life with a bit of regret for not taking more advantage of what was around me. And a bit of grief for what could have been.
So what’s the take away from this? What have I learned that I can share? Well, nothing. I’m not going to sit here and say ~live life to the fullest~ because in this moment, we can’t. The world is standing still and everyone is doing their best to get by right now. I’ve heard so many posts talking about how people should utilize this time to rest and others saying this is the time to be productive and get ahead.
Maybe this is helpful for some, but it just makes me feel guilty. Most of the time, my brain feels foggy. School is unbearably draining. Spending time by myself has forced me to redefine a lot of things. Exercise. Connection. Productivity. They are all new and changing everyday. I’ve never felt more alone yet more connected in my life. I try my best to allow myself the space to be and feel, but it’s hard. And most of the time, I go back and forth between anger and acceptance.
I guess the point of this was just to share my experience. That it hasn’t been glamorous or ~inspirational~. It’s been really hard. I worry about my dad, treating patients with COVID-19. I worry about my mom who is in remission from breast cancer making her immunocompromised. I worry about my boyfriend who is putting his health at risk for work. I worry about everyone.
I feel an insane amount of emotions every day.
But, I know I’m not the only one. This is a collective experience. We are all confused, anxious, angry, sad, and overwhelmed. We are all mourning the lives we had. We are all doing the best we can.
So, I hope that if you took the time to read all of this, that it helps you feel less alone. That despite the disconnect, we can find smaller yet very real connections.
Take care of yourself. And take care of each other.